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well that whole posting more again thing worked out wonderfully, didnt it? last post was almost a year ago... anyways.

so, lots of changes this year. spent two years in DC in an experiment. not sure if it was successful or not (remind me next time i try an experiment to fully plan it out). but its over, and it told me what i wanted to know. i wanted to know if i could live i one place for two years and enjoy it. everyone else seems to, so maybe i was just missing something. i didnt move, didnt change jobs, didnt even move the furniture around. and i watched myself slowly go insane. i couldve ended it a year ago and learned the same thing, but that wouldnt have been the same. i said i would do a thing, so i did. having moved back there on incorrect assumptions and therefore starting off on a horrible note probably didnt help matters any, but at least i finally gave up on that particular issue of mine.


so: never again. i can see the positives... my bank account never looked better. but that one positive in a sea of negative isnt alright for me. the biggest thing that told me it was completely over and time to move? i was a regular in a lot of places. thats not a bad thing... but when you walk into a place and they just put things in front of you without your ordering it, thats a bit too much familiarity for me. i actually stumbled into a cab a few times and basically passed out in back, only to wake up at home. if the cabbies know exactly who i am and where i live, ive lived there too long.

so now im out west. not sure where i will end up, theres a couple things going on that might change things. but for now i am in phoenix. well, outside phoenix, in the desert. and the job market is horrible. took me over a month to find anything, when i normally get hired the first place i walk into, and all i could find was part time. most places told me to come back in two months without even looking at me. hell, i considered becoming a professional gambler, at least i had a chance to make money that way. but i am working again now, so i can move forward again. there is nothing i hate more then stagnation, and after two years of it, being forced through another month really sucked.

why might i be leaving again soon? other then because i can and want to keep moving... i was considering becoming a truck driver. ive tossed the idea around for years. it would probably work out well for me, and if i could do that for a year without having rent my bank account would look golden. it wouldnt bother me at all to always be on the road, i dont have anything tying me to any place. i was considering outfitting a van as a liveabroad, if i could just figure out a way to make gas money on the move. i want to see more of this country, before i leave it. which is the other reason i may be leaving soonish.

ive been working on a project with a few other people lately. well, for almost a year now. its made a lot of ground in that year. check out www.floatingman.org thats the project. we are trying to create a year round version of burningman. the festival gave me that much of an impression. the plan is to buy an island, and go from there. we are curently looking at an island in nicaragua which seems like it would work out well for us. we wont know till we do it of course. the price of the islands we are looking at is less the the price of a two bedroom condo. the skeptics keep rolling by, saying it cant be done... but the model we have come up with says otherwise. i really cant see any reason why it couldnt work, and ive been looking. people i talk to seem to think its a great idea (or a horrible one), but wont commit to it, and cant say why it wont work. i dont understand why the project hasnt taken off, but were working on it. i mean weve figured out a way to have our own tropical island with a community of people focused on art, for very little cash involved, what could be better? if we can make this happen it will be an amazing place.

anyways. im getting back to myself. the last couple years really did suck, with a few notable exceptions. im in a new area now, i havent explored any of the west yet, so im excited so see what there is to be seen. i will be heading up to burningman next month (still need to buy tickets...) but other then that have no plans. i want to get a few road trips in, so if anyone is doing anything lemme know, theres a good chance ill show up. trying to convince a few people that we should hit vegas. i want to go camping, but no idea where yet. still need to head up to LA and SF. many trips to mexico should be worked out (i really need to work on my spanish if im going to be living in nicaragua). i dont even know what there is to see and do out here, but i want to do it anyways.

i want to work on my photography too, and still working on my writing. i really couldnt get anything done in DC. the city is depressing, and my life was more so. id get all this energy and excitement to do things when i was away, but couldnt force myself to lift a hand once i got back. that i had taken up drinking as a thing to do, instead of as a thing to do while doing other things, probably didnt help much. i was beginning to worry i might actually be able to have some addiction problem, even when i knew otherwise. i didnt have a problem with drinking, i had a problem with boredom.

one last thing. if you havent heard of HUMANWINE yet, look em up. really good weird band from boston (though i think they are moving out west soonish). cant even describe it better then that, but i like it. if thats saying anything im not sure. www.HUMANWINE.com
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i think im gonna start paying attention to this again. i need an outlet to write in, im losing track of things in my own head.

so i thought id start with a post i was just writing on myspace, and post it here. the parts that dont seem to apply correctly actually dont, and thats why.

thought id post a reply to whats below, posted by agent139, as a bulletin, partially because i never use these things, partially because i would rather use this feature as a forum then a place to post stupid surveys and chain letters, and partially because im curious what people i know will think of this in relation to what i think. my reply is below.

QUOTE:

From the footnotes in Diane's announcement of the Frequency23 podcast--

America is the wealthiest nation on Earth, but its people are mainly
poor, and poor Americans are urged to hate themselves. To quote the American humorist Kin Hubbard, "It ain't no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be." It is in fact a crime for an American to be poor, even though America is a nation of poor. Every other nation has folk traditions of men who were poor but extremely wise and virtuous, and therefore more estimable than anyone with power and gold. No such tales are told by the American poor. They mock themselves and glorify their betters. The meanest eating or drinking establishment, owned by a man who is himself poor, is very likely to have a sign on its wall asking this cruel question: "If you're so smart, why ain't you rich?" There will also be an American flag no larger than a child's hand--glued to a lollipop stick and flying from the cash register.

In my experience, this is quite true. Additionally, although this isn't universally true, and it seems to flip flop in the later years of life, most of the particularly smart people I've known tend to also be the poorest.

So what I'm wondering is, if you've noticed this trend, what are your theories on why this might be?

Let me say upfront that I think the idea that it's because "smart people hate money" is bullocks. I don't know a single smart, poor person who hates money, or who would turn down a couple million because it was "evil." Money is as money does. Personally I'd rather it be in the hands of those with a bit more foresight.

My theory is that smart people tend to not conform to authority, they tend to question before taking anything as a given, and as a whole they don't socialize quite as easily. As a result, many of the social games which people with wealth us to "lock" the wealth in reject these individuals outright. Obviously I'm using sweeping generalizations here based on my experience. And I also see certain problems against this theory in the exceptions. (Not to mention a certain ambigiouty in terms of the use of the word "smart" to start this off. By "smart" I mean innate intelligence and individualism, not academic prowess.)

Be that as it may-- what are your theories on this? Have you noticed this correlation? And does anyone know if any statistical research has been done into this? (Whether or not there is an inverse relationship between certain kinds of intelligence and the acquisition of wealth within capitolistic societies.)

As an afterthought, it's interesting that we're the most wealthy country in the world (I'm assuming that's including international companies, which may not have their holdings actually within the US economy) and yet we have one of the worst public education systems of developed countries. This, though it doesn't prove the above theory, does seem to correlate with it.

(A note: Saying that many smart people are poor doesn't preclude a large contingent of rock dumb poor people as well. Or dumb rich people. However the smart people, and this is-- the smart people I know, and yes I would lump myself in this category-- can never seem manifest the wealth they need to accomplish their goals. There has been statistical research demonstrating a correlation between education and income, yet that neither tells us how much of that education got in, weather those people were rich to begin with and therefor could afford college in the first place, and so on.)

MY REPLY:
ive been saying for years that money is easy. i still stand by that too. creating profit in this country IS easy. its creating profit doing what you want/love thats hard. just about anyone with an ounce of intelligence (and intelligence is heavy, so thats not much) responds with something similar to: well why arent you rich then? im not 'rich' for several reasons, the biggest being that i get bored easily. i dont want to undertake a giant, years-consuming enterprise solo. i wont stick with it, and it wont entertain me at all. now getting a group of varied and commited individuals together and creating some kind of profitable venture out of it sounds like more fun, and something i would stick with. one of the other reasons is that i am in fact rich... sorta. i go about wealth building in my own life the opposite way then most: by reducing what i need to spend my money on. compared to most people in my income range, i have FAR more disposable income, and even less debt (by which i mean none).

and that is one of the problems i see with money. i dont think most people actually know what money is supposed to be. it has never been backed by gold or silver in our lives, its simply this paper we are told means something. there would be a correlation here with intelligent people questioning what they are told... but i think they simply see what money actually is. to most people in our -consumer- society (which is a different animal then a capitolist society*, though similar), money is the reason to do anything. it is their comfort blanket, their security net, their crutch, and their tool. without it, they dont think they can do anything at all. it is the subconcious motivation beneath all their actions; but not even to make money, to spend it, which requires that they go out and do other things (things they probably hate) to make the money so they can spend it.

theres another reason for intelligent people to be poor: they make up their own minds about life, rather then buying into the consumer society most people are brainwashed into. this is all stream of though, so i apologize it if jumps around.

money is not all that, that is simply some of the uses of money. money is simply a symbol of ability and influence. i would rather have the ability and influence then the symbol... but thats why i dont bother; i see through the symbol. i dont need a wad of cash in my pocket, and a mound of it in the bank to feel safe enough to take risks and move to another city or quite my job. i dont need a full wallet to know that i will be able to eat tomorrow. this is all ability and influence i know i have, even without cash. i trust in my own ability enough that i know i will land on my feet and not crash and burn. i have the qualities of the symbol in my own self, so the symbol is extraneous. and without the abilities in your own self that the symbol is supposed to mean, it wont work for you either: if your dumb, now matter how rich you become, your money still will not break your fall. america is full of (and stories of) people that were once rich and died poor.

i would also point out that we do have stories of poor people... they simply became rich in them. who hasnt heard that apple started in a garage? that bill gates dropped out of collage? fedex came from an idea on a term paper... which nearly failed because the business model was not viable. these are the stories and myths (many of them are myths, near or partial truths twisted to prove whatever point is needed of them) of a consumer society. the brainwashing wouldnt work if we had stories of how it was good to be poor in any way shape or form. the people that believed them wouldnt be good little consumers. inversely, in societies where they want to keep people poor, stories of how it is better to be poor then rich in some ways; this was the excuse and scapegoat to rationalize being poor your whole life. they were really better then the rich folk, simply by virtue of being poor.... not that any of them would thank the rich folk for keeping them poor.

what i dont understand is how people can think of themselves as anything but poor (and extremely so) when their spending exceeds their income, and their they owe more then they are worth. somehow, the upper class has figured out a way to make people even poorer, while thinking they are richer, AND while still giving them more money. its like some wierd loophole in logic.




*consumers consume; capitalists create)
Current Music:
firewater: dark days indeed
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ive been using myspace more then livejournal lately. im not sure why, but it is what it is. its kinda nice to be able to check out whatever bands im into at the moment while checking my email and blog.

so if your still paying any attention, go there : http://www.myspace.com/traeyth

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You are The Devil


Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession


The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.


Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.


What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.



entertaining. every reading ive ever had, the chariot is me.
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so, yeah. still not updating this as much as id like. just going through my forums and friends page takes like an hour every day, without responding to anything. and with as much as ive been working (admitedly less then such this week), i just havent had the motivation. but i figure every once in awhile i should post, and a couple things have changed, so...

new phone number. lemme know if you need it. finally get sick of sprint and their horrible customer service and crappy billing. at the end of it, and prolly still as i havent cancelled yet, they were charging me like 90 a month for the smallest service plan possible. after 4 years it had just randomly gathered fees and whatall and was just getting insane. add that to my phone being a piece of crap, with no battery life, and being somehow broken so as to not ring (95% of the time, the other times it worked fine, for no apparent reason).. and yeah, i was sick of them. so now i have T-mobile. and one of those new RAZRs ( i R tEh pImp!1) but really, its a good phone,m and the battery is fuckin amazing. so far service is decent, so all is good. they gave me one of those whireless bluetooth things too, cause you know, its so hard to hold a phone to your head, but i cant figure out how to use it. *shrug*

i completely looked at my schedule wrong, and thought i had yesterday off, so i randomly went bar hopping (yeah, i know, im so cool, barhopping on a monday night in my work clothes) i actually figured out that i didnt have yesterday off at the third bar, but at that point it was too late anyways, so i went to another. so yesterday sucked. i very rarely get hangovers, but it was bad. on the plus side, i finally made it to adam's morgan, and found the really cool bars there. considering i live a few metro stops away, im sure ill be back. madam's organ is just that cool. and goergetown officially sucks now. just have to bring company next time.

trying to figure out exactly how much time im taking off in january. its gonna be deadly slow at work, so im definetely taking a good bit of time off. heading up to MI for a bit, and possibly out to AZ and SC as well. but bills stil have to be paid, so i cant take too much time off. le sigh. well see how it looks a little bit more into dec.

my roommates are starting to bitch again. i really dont know why this happens to often. the one i was mostly forced into letting move in sucks. i apparently am not taking out the garbage enough. or something. but of course, since im never here, they have to leave me notes to bitch at me. somehow the fact that if im not here enough for them to even bitch at me in person, im prolly not the one messing anything up has excaped them. no, i dont take out the garbage. i dont use it either. hell, i dont even look at it to see if its full. i do however wash their dishes whenever i am home. because they are there and need to be done, so i do them, when some of mine are there. but .... oh fuck it. it really isnt worth bitching about. living with people sucks.

so, now i need some stuff. book recomendations. im at borders nearly every day, which results in me buying a lot of crap, and not much good. suggestions?

anyone a computer person? i want a new computer for my birthday. i want to buy it in pieces as its much cheaper and have been told over and over how easy they are to put together. the smoke test intimidates me mostly, but i just dont know what works with what, whats good, and whats worthwhile and whats just neccessary. i have a few base minimums, but not many. i want to be able to upgrade to a dualcore chip in the future, when they are cheaper, so the mother board needs to be able to handle that. most of the rest im pulling from this comp, plus a good video card, and possibly more ram. suggestions? im trying to keep it under 500 or so, a good bit of which will be the video card (they are like 200, ugh.) suggestions?

oh... mary prankster rocked. the place sucked, jammin java is not the kind of place you can really get into the music. the seating sucked, the drinks were... missing. heh, i was running over to the restaurant across the street and taking double shots between sets. its a coffee bar with beer, and an open area in back they put folding chairs into for shows. the stage itself was nice, i can see that, the lighting and whatall, whereas most bars just dont have any real stage considerations. but it just... didnt work. then i got stuck in VA. it was below freezing out. the cab company just didnt have any cabs. i was like, wtf? right. suppose i should have planned that out a bit more, but finding a cab on a friday night should never be a problem. and now i am sad, mary is gone. wish i coulda made the baltimore show. forgot my phone takes pictures, or i woulda taken some.

edit: oh, and i have a myspace now. add me or something
Current Music:
Carina Round - On Leaving
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i really need to get out of the house more. its always either work or home, and ive been succombing to a horrible internet addiction. anyone doing anything and want some company this upcoming month? its my busiest time of year, but i still get -some- time off.

tonight: sadness. mary prankster's last show (one of anyways, i cant make the others). its been a fun ride, and now its over.

also: need suggestions for my birthday. i have no idea what i want to do for it, but if i dont figure something out it will turn into me going solo on a bar-hop through georgetown. which could be fun... but i can do that any night.

now: off for thai food. theres this great place near where i live now, i havent even tried many other restaurants because this one is so good.

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i find it funny how people think they know me so well... from nothing. the people that do know me well dont think they do, and those that have no idea think they know the real me. i must present a truly shallow facade.
Current Music:
Pink Floyd - Wearing The Inside Out
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if you see this, post an oscar wilde quote -

One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation.
- Oscar Wilde

i have more to write, but well see if i get to it.

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HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN

have fun-

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i keep having the strangest dreams. i rarely dream, which makes these even stranger. however i have noticed i dream more when im not really sleeping. when im in that half awake point after the alarm has gone off and i just dont feel like getting up yet. this is when i dream.

had one this morning. i had a hawk. actually an osprey. why, i dont know. but i kept losing him, nad having to search for him again. so i dont think i actually -had- the osprey, it just sorta kept following me around. which entertained me, so i kept looking for him again when hed dissappear. i had some kind of wierd half glove thing on, which worked well enough for him to perch on too. i remember leaving kmart or something, and after getting past security to leave (?!?) i remembered the osprey was still inside. so i had to go back and get him. i never named him, he was just "the bird".

one a couple of days ago, i dont remmeber most of it. but i happened to be looking at someone eyes. this was at the very end of the dream. my vision began to shrink down to just the one eye. it was all i could see, one giant eye. the eye then began to mprph, like it would rotate and there would be a different eye. each eye was only slightly differnt then the last, but they became increasingly unhuman. at the last shift it wasnt even an eye, it was merely waveform, like sound waves, it changed with what whoever's eye it was. the only thing i remember it saying though, was once it got to the waveform. "testing, testing, can you hear me? hehehe" in this horrible evil gremlin voice thing. the "hehehe" part is where i woke up. too fuckin weird.


so my taste in music is notoriously eclectic. my interest goes all over the place, and to very strange things. even more so with the advent of downloadable music. im curious what are the last few bands people have been listening to (or last few you discovered)

ive been listening to:
The Kills (great minimalist dark smoky music)
PJ Harvey (more dark sultry vocals)
Carina Round (passionate dark vocals, i have such a thing for dark chick vocals)
Nick Cave (if you dont know him, there isnt much i can say)
The Dresden Dolls (quirky cabaret-like music. definetely different)
Collide (goth music with chick vocals)
Horrorpops (rockabilly-ish stuff)
Mr Bungle (Mike Patton's band that he has stuck with from the very beginning)

girl anachronismCollapse )
Current Music:
The Dresden Dolls - Girl Anachronism
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